Wednesday, September 5, 2007

The Hardest Feeling of All

I can't sleep.

For there is someone in my mind.

And my heart ache at the thought of her.

I do not know where to begin. Perhaps I should at the first time I saw her. She is a pretty girl and immediately I was interested to know her better. Admittedly the initial attraction is more physical than anything else but in time I saw her heart for what she is and gradually I fell, deeper and deeper. She was already with another man and though I long to be the one for her, I could not bear the thought of breaking them up for I have come to know that this is a good man. Gentle. Kind. Honest. Faithful.

I felt unqualified to pursue her love as I am not certain the depth of my feeling matches his. But we grew very close. So close she would tell me almost everything. And though she confessed that she is not happy with her relationship as she felt he does not understand her well enough, I could only encouraged her to keep trying and advised her on how to communicate to him on what she needs. Though my heart yearned to tell her my true feeling for her, the voice of my mind could only tell her what a wonderful man he is to her because deep inside, I know that she will be well taken care of and I wanted what was best for her.

The day I left the company was the most bitter and yet the sweetest day that I can remembered. For I know I will not be able to see her everyday. But it was also on this day that she told me, she broke up with her boyfriend. It was my last day she said, and she continued with the question was there anything I would like to tell her?

Yes there is. I wanted to tell her that in the time we shared together, I have grown really fond of her, and that deep down inside me, I wanted to be with her more than anything else. But instead, I only told her that among all the colleagues there, she is the one hardest for me to say goodbye to, and the one I will miss the most. She smiled a shy smile but I have the feeling that was not what she was hoping to hear. I continued that there is much more I wanted to tell her but the time has not come. I said that because I was not sure what her feeling for me are and I do not wish to frighten her.

We continued to meet up even after I went separate way to a different company. We watched movie together, celebrated her birthday, shared a strawberry cheese cake over a dinner. I would like to believe I stood a chance but though she appeared more and more comfortable around me, I have the feeling her affection is decreasing? I also know of another guy who was aftering her, for far longer than I have. I made a decision. I decided that I wanted her to choose the one she really likes, regardless if it was he or I.

But the more I learnt of this person, the more I became afraid that she would really choose him. For he is not like the man she was previously with. I became more determined to win this war even though pressure from and commitment to work tired me greatly. I was continually robbed of chances to reveal my feeling for her and before long, I realised this person played a role in sabotaging some of my plan. My determination could only grow with this discovery but in the end I lost when she revealed that her feeling for me was never the romantic kind. Ironic that it was this moment that I realised how deep my feeling for her really are.

It was difficult to let go of the feeling after all that we have gone through. I have noone to turn to as my best friend himself has also just broken off a 4 years relationship. I chose to be his outlet to pour out his grief, instead of asking him to be mine. My dear sister knows of this but she will only worry too much if she truly knows how much this is hurting me so I hide this from even her. Everyday, I put on a brave face and tried to remained cheerful. It was the hardest feeling.

I thought of the last girl I fell for. Somehow, it has been easier to let go then. Perhaps because I know I was not yet the man she would like to share her lives with. Perhaps because I believe she found someone really compatible to her and one capable of giving her everything she needs. Perhaps it's simply because, I found someone else. But it is not so easy this time. If I have lost to a better man, perhaps it will be easier to be happy for her. I do not believe the man this girl chose deserved a person as wonderful as her. I can only console myself that despite my impression of him, I still believe that his feeling for her is true. And though he has a temper, he will not let it out on her. Or though he is far from honest, he will not hurt her.

Though I realised the futility of such thought, I admit I still harbour hope that she will one day choose me. The question is, until then, can we remain as friend? She assured me we still are but though she answered my call and we continue to chat, I could sensed her enthusiasm is no longer there. She hasn't as much to tell me as before and I have not seen her since the fateful day of my confession. Something always came up but I chose to believe her every reason for each time that she backed out. But I don't think I can continue with this. Each time she agreed to meet up is accompanied by the anxiety that she will cancel. And each time that she does cancel is the time my heart break all over again.

We were to meet up this weekend but she has cancelled again. I know I should let go.

It is hurting again. And it is always the heart that feel the pain the most.

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